Avoiding Crisis


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last week in writing class the instructor asked us to think back to our earliest memories and pick out something that we enjoyed doing as a child. After a brief discussion of what exactly “early” meant, it was established that we were talking about 4-5 year old memories.

I looked around at everyone as they accessed those memory banks somewhere in the back of their brain amazed at their ability to do so. I don’t have any really early memories. And those memories that I do have are rather dark. For example one of my first memories is that of my grandmothers death and funeral. I was 6 years old. I don’t really remember all of it, just two particular scenes – one when i found out that my grandmother had died (which was sudden) and another of her actual funeral. One would think that I would remember the trip we took to Disney following her death, but i don’t. I can recall a single moment from that trip. There are photos of me there, watching the light parade, but i don’t remember any of it.

Is this sad? Some people would think so, I’m sure. But i don’t. It;s just my life and how i’ve always been.

I can’t even tell you when my memories do begin. I guess my most clear memories start in high school with scattered images from elementary and junior high. But whether those are real memories of just ones that i’ve created from seeing photos is beyond me.

I remember when i was in therapy i would get really frustrated because i didn’t remember. i used to want to undergo some sort of hypnosis to try to gain back some of m y memories. I think I thought that those memories held the key to my depression and anxiety. That remembering would help me to move past the issues. I moved past them without the memories.

I don’t think I had a particularly sad childhood, actually i’m quite sure that my childhood was rather normal and typical for a child growing up in a middle class suburbia. Maybe because it was boring that I don’t remember. Maybe there wasn’t anything particularly interesting too remember.


Written by nicolemarie

December 31, 2007 at 8:17 pm

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