Avoiding Crisis

Archive for March 2008

16

with 4 comments

no, it’s not my lucky number.  no, believe it or not, that would be 13 or any multiple of 13 of which 16 is obviously not one of them. weird, i know.

it’s the number of days we have left here in Argentina.  The number of days I have left to prepare myself and my family to close this one chapter of our lives and move on to the next.  the number of days I have left with my friends; friends who have become my family in the absence of an extended family.

It wasn’t until last Thursday when I went to visit a dear friend of mine who just had a baby that I realized that this was it, that we were in the home stretch.  That now when I happen to run into an acquaintance, or even a friend who I don’t see on a daily basis, that when we say goodbye, it may very well be for the last time.  That when I left my friends apartment and took one last look at her one week old baby girl I knew that the next time I would see that baby it would be through pictures.  We said goodbye that day like we do normally.  It’s easier that way, I think.  Better not to make a big deal out of it.  It’s not like it’s the end of a friendship.  It’s just distance.  But damn, it’s hard.

Tonight we are off to the first of several goodbye dinners.  It doesn’t feel quite real yet.  I think I’m a bit in denial still.  I’ve seemed to focus so much of my energy and attention on trying to get everything set up for Owen on the other end that I have forgotten about leaving and what that really means to me, to all of us.  I better start to face this head on soon or I think I may crash when I touch down in the United States and realize that I didn’t have ample time to “grieve.”  ‘Cause really, when it comes down to it, this whole process, this leaving a place that you have called home for over 2 years, this leaving behind wonderful friends, it does require a grieving period.

Not sure what all I’m trying to say.  It’s really hard to put into words.  All I know if that this overwhelming sense of sadness creeps up on me from time to time and I keep beating it back, making it go away.  But it’s okay to be sad.  I know that.  I just haven;t figured out how to be sad and overwhelmed and how to learn to be the best advocate for  Owen all at the same time without completely loosing it.  Something has to give.  And when children are involved that something typically is me.  It’s funny really, how I can see the train wreck coming but I can’t do anything about it.  Absolutely nothing.

for now…I’ll head out to dinner with friends and enjoy the time we have left.  Sometimes denial is just a whole lot easier.

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Written by nicolemarie

March 29, 2008 at 6:07 pm

Posted in life

tomorrow

with 3 comments

is Easter Sunday. 

for those of you who celebrate Easter, here’s wishing you a happy Easter. 

and for those of you who don’t, here’s wishing you a happy Sunday. 

either way, may your day be merry and bright….oh crap, wrong holiday!

whatever…you know what i mean. 🙂

Written by nicolemarie

March 22, 2008 at 10:07 pm

Posted in life

de grasa o de manteca?

with 2 comments

i know I should be doing something right now.  something productive.  something more than blogging about how i’m not doing anything.  well, actually, i am doing something, but that something has little to do with our upcoming move.  which, for very obvious reasons, my life seems to be centered around these days.  instead i’m sitting at the computer catching up on the blogs i used to read religiously and thinking about how i so want to go out to the local cafe and get myself two medialunas and a cortado.  and my biggest issue is that i can’t seem to decide if those medialunas should be de grasa or de manteca – in other words, salty or sweet.  And that decision my friends is all i can seem to think about.  Not about all the crap I have to get rid of or all the boxes that have to be packed or the car that we have to buy or the house that we have to find or the school district that we have to decide on. No.  Instead I’m concerned with what kind of medialuna I want.  And this, my friends, this makes complete sense to me.  Because soon, very soon, in like 4 weeks soon, i won’t be able to walk out of my front door, go one block and sit down in a cafe and ask for, in my very much improved spanish since arriving here 2.5 years ago, a small coffee cut with milk and a little pastry. And then have them ask me “chiquito o jarrito?” with regards to what size coffee I want and “de grasa o manteca?” with regards to the type of medialuna i want.  No instead of answering these simply and very unimportant questions I’ll be trying to navigate the unfamiliar roads of north carolina trying to remember that traffic lights are meant to be obeyed and stop signs are not optional.  I’ll be meeting new people — neighbors, therapists, doctors, teachers, parents — and trying to remember not to say permiso, por favor, gracias and chau.

oh how i’m going to miss this place, this home, this life. I’m going to miss everything about living here, even the crazy drivers and the completely slow and unreliable service.  Okay, so maybe not the crazy drivers so much.  but still.  i know moving back to the US is what’s best for us and that all our family and friends are waiting with open arms to welcome us back and help us as much as they can.  And I love that, knowing that.  Still…

okay so now that I’ve fully reminded myself that we are moving in 4 weeks…4 WEEKS!

I’m off to clean out yet another closet.  Or maybe I’ll just grab my keys, head out the front door and go get that coffee and medialuna.  Still, the most important question remains: de grasa o de manteca?

what do you think?

Written by nicolemarie

March 13, 2008 at 9:25 am

just when

with 2 comments

…things were getting better. 

…i was beginning to think that the doctors had it all wrong.

…he was beginning to speak in sentences, real whole sentences.

…he was telling us what he wants.

…he was asking questions.

…he didn’t seem to be obsessing on any one thing.

…he didn’t seem to be having any repetitive behaviors.

…i questioned why we were going back to the States early.

…i let myself believe that maybe everyone else was right and “he’d grow out of it”

JUST THEN…

we had a really bad day.  a bad bad day.  a day like the days that started us wondering. 

from the first moment this morning when something didn’t quite go as he had expected it was all down hill.  way downhill.  a steep downhill.

i guess it’s just going to be like this.  good days and bad.  i just wish the bad weren’t oh so bad. 

Written by nicolemarie

March 7, 2008 at 8:09 pm

Posted in crazy kids

we’re moving

with 2 comments

soon.  real soon.  really really soon.  like 6 weeks soon.  crazy!

but it’s the best thing for the family. 

oh man….I have so much to do.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Written by nicolemarie

March 2, 2008 at 7:51 pm

Posted in life