Avoiding Crisis

this shit sucks

with 3 comments

and yes, i’m talking about my blog as of recent. 

I know it sucks, you don’t need to remind me.  But if you must, leave a comment saying just how much it sucks.  I’m sure the doctor will.  He told me the other day how bad things have gotten.  How crappy my writing has been.  How uninteresting I am.  Though I’m thinking that he’s just annoyed that I haven’t written anything about him lately.

And the truth is, as much as it pains me to say it, he’s right.  I haven’t been writing a whole lot lately, and what I have been writing hasn’t been all that good.  Not that have I been trying real hard either. 

When I started this blog things came easy to me, ideas for posts just oozed from my brain onto the page.  And I have a theory as to why it’s gotten a tad more difficult to write these days.  It’s not that I’m out of things to say, cause I’m not.  I think of a gazillion different topics everyday.  And even sometimes, when I’m running, or showering, or just sitting at the train tracks waiting for the train to go by, I write entire stories (in my head).  But by the time I get back home or sit down at the computer I can’t seem to turn those kernels into anything more than a few words.  And then I hit the save button and they go directly to the draft folder never to be seen again.  

Okay, so as I’ve said, I have an idea as to why this is. 

See, when I started this blog, I was in a really good place in my life.  I was happy, content and stable.  Things were all honky dory.  I was in a place where I could easily take a look back on the past and comment on it.  I could even take a look at the future and comment on that too.  I had interesting things to say because I was open and receptive to new ideas.  And I wasn’t afraid to take chances or to say what was on my mind.  These days, as I’ve made it very clear over the past month or so, I’m not really in such a good place right now.   I’m not in a bad place either.  But I’m not happy and content.  Things aren’t really peachy.  I would say that I’m in a funk.  That I feel down and maybe even depressed.  And, that on a daily basis, my anxiety level is higher then it has been since college. 

So what the fuck is going on??  

Nothing is going on, really.  Nothing. Well, there is that whole not knowing where we are going in 8 months thing.  And that, my friends is what it all boils down to. I think.

I’m in this in-between place right now.  I’m kinda in my own personal purgatory.  I’m neither here nor there, neither leaving not coming.  I’m stuck in the middle and I can’t get out. 

All I can say that this whole not knowing thing, this whole in-between thing, is probably one of the most awful experiences I’ve had since moving overseas.  More awful then my first day in Lima, Peru when the embassy sent someone to deliver bottled water and I opened my door to some man speaking a Spanish that i didn’t understand and my dogs running out of the gate into traffic and my 4 month old daughter screaming at the top of her lungs in the house, and all the Spanish i could remember was ayudame ayudame and the poor man just stood there completely helpless not knowing what to do with the crazy woman who stood in front of him.  Yes, this not knowing is so much worse than that.

So I’ve realized that I write so much better and the ideas flow so much easier when I’m happy and content and stable.  And that when I’m depressed, I’m blocked, stopped up, clogged.  Bear with me a little bit longer.  I promise I’ll get over this phase.  Either that or I’ll just let the doctor write my blog posts, i figure if he thinks they suck so much then he must be able to do a better job.

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Written by nicolemarie

November 16, 2007 at 10:11 pm

3 Responses

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  1. I am thankful for this blog…reading it keeps our families closer bc we know what yall are doing. I am a faithful reader!

    Julie

    November 17, 2007 at 12:05 pm

  2. I never said you were uninteresting just that your writing was recently uninteresting. And that was before you even wrote any creative peices. You had barely been writing at all for weeks. So get over yourself. And I have no interest in writing a blog or else I would have started one. If you want to write a blog then write one. However don’t cry when you write a blog and don’t write. Then when your writing isn’t very interesting don’t ask my opinion about your blog.

    mike f

    November 17, 2007 at 9:30 pm

  3. wha wha whaaaaaaaaaaaa!

    my brother hurt my feelings. mean brother you are.

    nicolemarie

    November 18, 2007 at 8:03 am


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