Avoiding Crisis

insecurity

with 3 comments

My daughter has a security blanket.  She calls it mickey.  She sleeps with it every night.  That and her baby doll that she calls dolly. (i know, seriously, like she couldn’t come up with a better name for a doll.)  she can’t fall asleep without them.  Obviously she could learn to fall asleep without one or the other, or even both, but it would be a long painful (sleepless) process for us all. 

my son has his own quirks when it comes to bedtime.  Not only does he have to have a pacifier, but he also has a blanket, plus 4 different stuffed animals – Elmo, cookie monster and two dinosaurs – and they all must be in the same place every night before he can sleep.  He holds Elmo and cookie, the dinosaurs rest on either side of his pillow.  When all is right in his little bed, he sleeps well.  very well.  when something is missing, he’s a mess.

i really wish i had a security blanket and/or doll.  anything really, anything that make me feel more secure.  ’cause gosh darn it, I’m a pretty insecure person. 

All my life I’ve dealt with the whole “nobody likes me” syndrome. 

As a teenager the psychiatrist that I was going to put me into group therapy.  He thought it would help to see how I interact with others, etc.  Help me and him to understand how I related to other people my own age.  The only thing I got out of the months of group therapy was thinking that I was so freakin normal compared to all the other people that I didn’t need no stinkin’ therapy.  And in hindsight, I think, what the other kids must of thought was that I was a spoiled privileged kid who liked to whine and complain that life just wasn’t fair to her and that things just weren’t good enough because daddy didn’t buy her a new car on her 16th birthday. 

Maybe I was that person.  Maybe I am that person.  I don’t know. 

I don’t know how other people see me. If they see the real me or just some other person who they think i am.  I’m not so sure that I’m very good at letting people in or of showing them the real me.  All I know is that when it comes down to it, I care a whole lot about what other people think about me, about how they see me.   And, being this way, well, it kinda, really, sucks. 

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Written by nicolemarie

September 10, 2007 at 9:57 pm

Posted in life

3 Responses

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  1. I like you very much and have from the time we first met! I also enjoy your blog bc it makes me feel closer to yall even though you are so far away. 🙂

    Julie

    September 11, 2007 at 10:24 am

  2. i know you and i love you. miss you lots =(

    Michele

    September 11, 2007 at 1:21 pm

  3. awww. . .look at that you have friends that love you.

    You know, I think a lot of times people don’t see the real you or the real me, they see their perception of you or me. They, as in everyone, sees everyone else through the fuzzy film of their own baggage and insecurities.

    And so many of us struggle with caring too much about what other people think. It is human nature to crave connection and good connections rely on other people liking us.

    I read a book recently, or started it anyway before it was due at the library called, “I know I’m in there somewhere”. I think you’d enjoy it.

    Dawn

    September 11, 2007 at 4:50 pm


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