Avoiding Crisis

is mommy getting a pink-slip?

with 2 comments

While I’m working on finishing up some draft posts of a serious nature, I decided to take a break and decompress with some humor, or at least some attempt at humor.

I came across this post the other day. So I decided I’d see how it played out if I applied it to my current position as MOTHER.

Here’s the deal, if you answer yes to 3 or more of these questions then you might want to think about updating your resume and looking for another job.

****

1) Are you no longer in the loop about, well, anything?

I’m so in the loop. I create the loop. I am the all knowing all powerful mom. Well, i did just find out that last week my 4 year old became engaged to 5 different boys in her class and that they are all going to get married and live happily ever after, all of them, together. Because apparently the boys have agreed to share her, without fighting, and she, not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings, accepted all proposals.

2) Did you recently screw up big-time?

I screw up all the time. Let’s just go over this morning, shall we? My daughter woke up and announced to us that today was her favorite doll’s first birthday. So before school we had to have a birthday party for Dolly (yes, I know, very original name.) And here, folks, is where I royally screwed up. 1) I didn’t realize that singing happy birthday to the doll required all the lights to be off 2) I made the doll cry since I sung happy birthday to her in Spanish and apparently she does not speak or understand Spanish 3) I cut the cake and proceeded to eat a piece of cake immediately after singing happy birthday when apparently it was not cake eating time but rather dance around the room with the birthday doll time and finally, and the worst offense of all 4) I wouldn’t allow the birthday doll to go to school this morning, even as a stow away in my daughter’s backpack.

3) Are people avoiding you at all costs?

yes, but that’s just probably because I didn’t shower yet this morning. so i don’t think that counts. or maybe they just don’t like me…hmmm… I’ll have to think about that some more.

4) Did your last performance review read like a train wreck?

what performance review? If you consider my daughter’s announcement to her class that her mommy is a very bad mommy (mala madre) a performance review then yes, big massive train wreck with multiple casualties and all.

5) Has your company recently been sold or merged?

not that I know of. but if anyone is interested in two kids under the age of 5 and a husband under the age of 40…I’m accepting offers until COB today

6) Are you being given impossible jobs with no chance of success?

yes. that would be motherhood. have you heard of it?

7) Do you now have less responsibility than the intern?

No, but I’d like to. Can you send me an intern?

8 ) Has your office, cubicle or working space recently been down-sized?

hell yes! i have lost my living room to tents and tunnels and my family room has been overrun with cars and trucks and blocks and a kitchen and an entire Little People city.

9) Do people whisper more, or does the conversation change as you approach?

yes, but I’m thinking that they are just planning something super duper special for my upcoming birthday (which, by the way, is only in 70 days!) and don’t want me to know about it. either that, or they’re planning a coup. for their sakes it better be the former because this dictator will not go quietly.

10) Did your recently receive a pay freeze or, worse still, a pay cut?

Huh? Pay? What’s that?

11) Have you seen a job posting for your company that matches your job description?

hmm…should my husband’s new found interest in online dating services concern me?

12) Does everyone hate you? I mean really dislike you with a passion?

oh, gosh, i hope not. though today, apparently my daughter isn’t my biggest fan and well her doll isn’t too pleased with me right now either. I think she’s still upset about the whole birthday party thing.

13) Have you recently been asked to take some time off?

Well, my husband has recently suggested that maybe a few days away from the kids would do me some good. But i just thought that he was being nice…

14) Are you noticing paper-trails between yourself and your superiors?

not relevant. i have no superiors. I am the mother!

15) Are you finding it almost impossible to get approval or ‘buy in’ on projects?

Actually, yeah I am. Nobody wants to do what I want to do these days. Like yesterday when I wanted to play Candyland my daughter wanted to play on the computer, somehow she won. Or this morning when I thought we should all sit down and eat a nice nutritional breakfast before school they totally ignored me. I really need to work on my “sell” techniques. Either that or maybe I should just resort to bribes with cookies and candy. That might get me what I want.

16) Have you recently been asked to work on a “special project?”

Yes. And not just one, but two of them. Special project #1 – raise young girl to be a well adjusted and well balanced young lady and Special project #2 – raise young boy to be a strapping, charming, and loving young man.

17) Are your successes and accomplishments being glossed over?

If this is asking if I’ve gotten any awards recently then the answer is no. But I have gotten lots of hugs and kisses and that kinda makes up for it.

18) Are you currently being ‘retrained’ or are taking coaching sessions?

I don’t think I can be retrained if I was never trained in the first place.

19) Has your immediate boss or mentor gone bye-bye?

My mommy, my dear mommy, she came to visit a few months back and then she left. She left me to deal with this job on my own. She went on to bigger and better things like golf and tennis and spa visits and trips to Copenhagen. Please mommy, come back.

20) Have you recently been promoted to a position of less responsibility?

No promotion or demotion, still in the same position I started in a little over 4 years ago. I really would love less responsibility though.

****

Yeah, so I’m totally screwed. I’m so being fired.

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Written by nicolemarie

May 31, 2007 at 11:06 am

2 Responses

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  1. This was really funny, Nicolemarie! “I am the Mother!” – priceless. Your daughter may be onto something with her acceptance of multiple proposals, though you might explain to her that she might be exhausted by having so many fiances. A woman does need her rest, don’t you agree?
    Nah, you won’t be fired ,if your current employer has a good sense of humour! 🙂 G

    suburbanlife

    May 31, 2007 at 11:25 am

  2. Cute!

    Dawn

    May 31, 2007 at 2:00 pm


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