Avoiding Crisis

four years ago yesterday…

with 2 comments

I should have written this particular post yesterday. But I didn’t. I look a day off from blogging.

Had I written something yesterday I would have written about the 5th of May, 4 years ago.

Had I written yesterday I would have told you about how 4 years ago I moved to Lima, Peru.  That I had left the United States with my husband, our 3 1/2 month old baby, two Siberian Huskies, and way too much luggage on May 4th and arrived at what was to be our new home the morning of May 5th.  Our new home was a large house with a few pieces of government issued furniture.  It had marble floors.  It was stark white.  It echoed.  Every time the baby cried it sounded like 10 babies crying.  I cried.

The following day we went to the Embassy.  That was the day I realized that I would no longer be myself; but instead, I had become my husband’s wife.  (See, it really didn’t matter who I was (and what my first name was) because I could have been anyone.  But in relationship to my husband, his position and his office, I existed.)   I went to the grocery store.  I suffered a panic attack.  I cried.

And then, the next morning, my husband left for work.  That was, after all, why we were there.   He left me and a 3 1/2 month old baby in a large, lonely, echoey house without even a television and/or a radio.  I unpacked or suitcases.  It was probably one of the longest days of my life.  I slept when the baby slept.  I cried when the baby cried. I was scared to leave the house.  What if someone looked at me?  What if they noticed I was different?  And worse, what if they tried to talk to me?   There was a minor earthquake. The house shook.  It felt like a mack truck driving though our living room.  I didn’t know that Lima had earthquakes.  I cried.

With each day things got a little bit better.

During our second week in Lima, I was invited to a Mother’s Day lunch at the Ambassador’s residence.  I brought my daughter with me.  I met the Ambassador.  I didn’t know he was the Ambassador until he got up to give a speech.  My daughter chewed on his fingers.  It was embarrassing.  We laughed.  It was the first time I had laughed since arriving.

Had I written yesterday, this is what I would have told you about.  I would have told you that each year on May 5th I am reminded of this journey that we started.  It has been 4 years since I’ve called the United States home. It will be at least another year and maybe another 4.

Four years ago yesterday I was nothing more than a terrified, 25 year-old, new mother who had wished she payed more attention in Spanish class.  Four years ago yesterday I was terrified.

But yesterday, I wasn’t afraid.  I didn’t feel alone or lost. Yesterday, I felt strong and courageous;  I felt daring and adventurous.

No, yesterday, I didn’t cry.  Yesterday, I celebrated.

And this, this is what I would have shared with you all, had I written yesterday.

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Written by nicolemarie

May 6, 2007 at 9:21 pm

2 Responses

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  1. great post!

    Dawn

    May 7, 2007 at 10:12 am

  2. I’m glad you have grown through your experiences abroad. Congratulations on becoming who you are today. 🙂

    Zan

    May 7, 2007 at 12:27 pm


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