Avoiding Crisis

sometimes it sucks being nice…

with 4 comments

…and caring too much about other people’s feelings. It also kinda sucks if you care too much about what other people think of you.  Now, if you care about how other people feel all the time but don’t really care about what they think of you, then you’re only partially screwed.  However, if you care about how other people feel AND care what others think of you, then, well, your just royally fucked.  I used to be the latter now I’m just the former.  Progress is good.

Here’s the deal.  A friend of mine recently ended, what she had considered, a pretty serious relationship.  To be a bit more specific, she didn’t end it, he ended it.  Her x decided that he needed to work on himself (he apparently is having a major quarter life crisis that involves some serious therapy) and that he couldn’t do that and date her. 

She was a mess.  She’s doing much better now, thanks for caring. 

Anyhow, we were on the phone earlier today and she mentioned that she is trying to decide whether or not to attend a concert this evening because he’s going to be there. She hasn’t seen him since they broke up, and only spoke once (apparently, his therapist says he’s not allowed to call her).  But here’s the kicker.  She’s not worried about seeing him and getting upset about how he’s treated her, breaking her heart and all.  She’s actually worried about seeing him and causing him some metal anguish that would then be the cause of panic attacks and hermit like behavior on his part.   Lucky for her she’s not one of those people who overly cares about what others think about her. 

To this I say, she’s just too nice of a person and should learn to put herself first once in a while.  My advice:  go to the concert and enjoy yourself.  To bad if he freaks out, it’s not your problem anymore, he dumped you. 

What would your advice?

So this made me think about how I would handle the situation.  ‘Cause as you know, everything written in this blog must eventually lead to something about ME and focus on ME.    

Back in the day, I would have been a heartless bitch and not given a rats ass about the guy that dumped me.  At least that’s what I would have told myself and anyone else who’d listen.   I would have however, stressed the entire time about what he was thinking about and more importantly, what he thought of me or if he was even thinking about me.  Then, after going home, I’d continue to obsess about how I acted so immature and may have possibly hurt someone else’s feelings.  It’s a shitty cycle.  And it would go on. 

My answer to this cycle:  I got married.  End of story.  Well, kinda.  Now, when my husband tells me what he thinks of me and I don’t like it, I make him go sleep on the couch.  And if I hurt his feelings, well, he goes and sleeps on the couch.  Personally, I’d go for the empty queen size bed in my son’s room but for some unknown reason he chooses the couch.  I think it’s so he can complain the next day about how his back is killing him and how it’s all my fault.  He’s good at that guilt stuff.  Luckily for us, we don’t have too many couch sleeping episodes. 

So what type of person are you? 



Written by nicolemarie

April 9, 2007 at 10:25 pm

Posted in advice, change, friends

4 Responses

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  1. I agree with you that she should go to the concert and enjoy herself – she has to take care of herself, and he has to take care of himself. As long as she isn’t going to intentionally hurt him.


    April 10, 2007 at 10:52 am

  2. I feel sorry for him. It looks like he’s missing out on a nice girl.


    April 10, 2007 at 12:19 pm

  3. I’m the kind of person who understand both sides of the coin. I could empathize with his emotional problems and not want to upset him. But I would want to go to the concert.

    I’d probably flip a coin or wear a disguise.



    April 10, 2007 at 9:53 pm

  4. Ahhh… see, being human precludes most people from being assertive. It isn’t something that comse naturally to many people because it involves confrontation. If you are not practiced in the art of confrontation, then you are more likely to have situations in which you sacrifice your own well-being or happiness, for the well-being, convenience, and happiness of others.

    But to the point, going to the concert and enjoying herself would entail confrontation… real or imagined. And it is probably the imagined confrontation that she is worried about. And while it was happening, she would be in a state of panic as to how he was behaving, who he was with, what he was thinking, what she should be doing, etc… why bother unless she is truly ready to move on and just enjoy herself. Clearly she isn’t ready, otherwise she wouldn’t have a dilemma.


    April 20, 2007 at 7:54 am

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