Avoiding Crisis

my thoughts, circa 1994

with 9 comments

I packed up my life almost 4 years ago and sent a good majority of my worldly possessions to storage.  There were however some items, such as photographs, special letters and cards and practically anything from my wedding, that were boxed up and placed in my mother-in-law’s basement.  Among these “special” things — which one can easily define as those items that if your entire shipment was to fall off a boat en-route to your destination they 1) could not be replaced, 2) are of significant importance to you, and 3) the loss of which would cause major mental anguish — were several journals/diaries that I kept between 1994 and 1996.  

Looking back on this, I probably should have sent them – the journals that is – in with my shipment and then prayed for them – the journals that is, not my shipment – to be thrown overboard where they would sink to the deepest depths of the Atlantic never to be seen again.  But instead, they still exist and I am lucky to have them with me.   

Last time I was in the United States I noticed that these journals were at the top of one of our many boxes lining the shelves of my mother-in-law’s basement.  So of course, when I started this whole self exploration thing I figured that it would be interesting to compare the 29 year old me to the 16 year old me.  So I asked for them to be sent my way and my mother-in-law was kind enough to oblige.  Oh how I wish she hadn’t.  Oh how I wish there had been a small and bizarre fire in her basement that turned my journals, but nothing else, into ashes.  Oh how I wish that the stupid postal worker who stole my brand new laptop had stolen the package with my journals instead.  Oh how I wish.   

Reading your own teenage journal has to feel something like the sensation one gets when sticking pins in your eyes.  It’s like watching a really bad television drama where you cannot help but be embarrassed for the main character who is constantly putting her self in precarious situations that never turn out quite the way she had hoped they would.  Or in other words,  it’s, well, painful.  But also,  interesting.  Interesting, that is, in a sure, why not, go ahead and relive the most angst filled years of your life since you have absolutely nothing better to do kinda way.  Yeah, like I said, interesting.

And since I know that you’re all dying to know what I was like back in 1994, here you go.  I warn you, it’s rather, well….ugh….morbid and depressing.  You’ve been warned.  And I’m not making this crap up, I swear.  Really. I honestly don’t think I could make this crap up even if I wanted to.

Now introducing…from High School, nicolemarie, circa 1994:

  •  sometimes I doubt i’ll ever find anyone who besides myself is going to put up with my crazy and unpredictable personality.  Sometimes my friends can’t even handle it, sometimes I can’t even handle it.  Maybe it’s about time I get a firm grasp/grip on life, but the question doesn’t become why or when but how.  If I can figure out how to get a grip on my life then maybe I’ll be happy and easier to handle.  who knows?  I sure as hell don’t.
  • There is something inside me eating away at my mind and my soul.  Little by little i’m slipping deeper and deeper into the darkness
  • shall i got to a special place?  shall i leave this world in which I exist?  Or shall i continue to grow and push forward through all the controversy and shit that surrounds me, that is drowning me?  I wonder.
  • when i find the end to the road on which i’m traveling i will jump, eyes close, hands grasped, head high.
  • i wonder often how it might be, how it might feel to be dead. When you feel nothing when you are living, nothing but hurt and sorrow is death better?
  • the committee in my head is holding a hearing and I’m being charged with being a whore – GUILTY!!!
  • Help me.  Help me please.  Help yourself freak. 
  • I often find myself regressing, going back to that place where nothing seems right, where I seem out of place.  I’ve changed and yet no one seems to care.
  • what happened back them to make my this way? Why am I so messed up?

Okay, so to be honest with you, and with myself, I’m now completely terrified of the 16 year old me.  And am beginning to think that the 29 year old me is pretty stable and normal.  I’m just glad I’m not that 16 year old person anymore.  I kinda feel sorry for her.  Yet, she’s still very much a part of me.  And that, that is really scary.

  

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Written by nicolemarie

April 4, 2007 at 10:42 pm

9 Responses

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  1. It must have taken guts to sit down and read through them. I probably would have held the book in front of me, thought “maybe another time”, and put it away somewhere safe and secret.

    It’s good for all of us that the past is the past. If we had to put up with ourselves as we used to be as well as ourselves as we are now, there wouldn’t be a sane head in the world!

    prospectus

    April 5, 2007 at 5:02 am

  2. Yes, it must be hard to come face to face with an earlier self, one that is prone to all or nothing catastrophic thinking. although from time to time, during a life old patterns of thinking resurface, unbidden, still there are newer healthier habits which replace them. Good thing this, otherwise life would be untenable!

    suburbanlife

    April 5, 2007 at 9:01 am

  3. Oh Nicole, save those journals. They will be so valuable in giving you perspective when your kids are teenagers.

    Barry

    April 5, 2007 at 2:58 pm

  4. prospectus – reading the journals wasn’t actually as difficult as I thought it would (or even should) be. Now mind you, it wasn’t a walk in the park either. But maybe I was able to do it, whereas others can’t, because I’ve really come to understand that person that I was back then, accept it and and move forward. I know that this isn’t something that everyone can or will do in their lifetime but it has been an essential part of my growth over the past 10 years and I feel fortunate to have a really supportive network of friends and family to lean on.

    suburbanlife – well put. From time to time I find myself falling back into, as you call it, all of nothing catastrophic thinking – probably more than I’d like. But there is something to be said about getting older and being wiser. I can now catch such thoughts before they take over and dominate, whereas back then I just couldn’t or maybe didn’t want to.

    Barry – ugh…please don’t tell me that. I’m just going to lock my daughter in her room on her 13th birthday and throw away the key. She can then rejoin the human race after her 20th birthday.

    Thanks all for the comments!

    nicolemarie

    April 5, 2007 at 4:33 pm

  5. No. I mean in a good way. Both my kids have been a lot less heartache than my wife and I were to our parents.

    Barry

    April 5, 2007 at 5:32 pm

  6. Barry – Oh, okay. Interesting perspective. Well, I think I still may have to think about locking her in her room or maybe sending her to a convent – the cloistered kind (do they even still exist?) – as my father threatened to do to me over and over and over again. But then again, maybe she’ll be like your kids and surprise me. It’s a long way off still…:-)

    nicolemarie

    April 5, 2007 at 5:57 pm

  7. I’ve kept all my journals from high school…and the other night I thought about looking through them, but then I thought, “Nah…too angsty and dark…” So there they sit, on my shelf, collecting dust.

    Zan

    April 5, 2007 at 6:10 pm

  8. Zan. And one day, when the time is right, you’ll dust them off and read a page or two and maybe you’ll laugh, or cry, or scream, or cringe, or do a bit of both. And when you’re done you’ll put them back on the shelf for another day, another page or two. maybe some day.

    nicolemarie

    April 5, 2007 at 7:21 pm

  9. hello nicole, thank you for your brave adventure. i so appreciate knowing there are others out there who are so self-reflective. i, too, have journals that date back to, uhh, the early 90’s or so when i was swirly and full of angst and just trying to figure out life then. i’ve often thought i’d share them with my teenagers (if i ever have children). sometimes when i compare journals over the ages, i’m a little embarassed of myself for writing about the same topics and yet i can see and feel within myself how i’ve matured and grown and gained some sort of wisdom that is valuable. keep on the powerful journey! warmly, lisamoon

    lisamoon

    April 7, 2007 at 12:45 pm


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