Avoiding Crisis

so apparently this is the kind of advice I desperately need

with 4 comments

Brace yourselves.  I have a confession to make.  I’ll admit it, I actually get Daily Candy delivered to my email inbox every morning.  And, are you sitting down for this?  I do actually read it.  No joke. 

You know, Daily Candy, the ultimate insider’s guide to what’s hot, new, and undiscovered.  You know, the email-based newsletter that has over 2.2 million subscribers.   You know, the ezine that describes itself as being just like your clever, unpredictable, and totally in-the-know best friend … who always shares the scoop.  Yeah, that Daily Candy.  No? You don’t know? And for sure I thought I was the last person on earth to know about Daily Candy.  

I’m not your typical Daily Candy reader.  Well, actually, that’s a big ass lie.  I am the typical Daily Candy reader in that I fit their average reader profile pretty darn close.  But really, I’m NOT the typical reader in that I lack one very important facet – I do not have the voracious appetite for what’s next, new, cool, and must-have.  This, I’ve noticed, is apparently quite necessary if you want to read and “get” what Daily Candy puts out on a daily basis.  I read it.  Whether or not I get it is a whole different issue.  

I only know about Daily Candy because a friend of my mothers, who happens to be one of those people that likes to be in-the-know about everything cool and hip (the friend that is, not my mother),  forwarded me the Daily Candy link saying that she thought I should contact them and start a Daily Candy Buenos Aires.  Yeah right.  Like I just ooze quirky, humorous, witty, chick lit style prose with the over abundance of metaphors.  Please, can you imagine the following coming from me “You’re not livin’ in paradise unless you’re wearing the right sundress” or ” Girl power. Chick lit. Female trouble. It’s okay if you need to vomit a little in your mouth…”  Right.  I didn’t think so.     

Anyhow, so in typical Daily Candy fashion, today’s email touted Top Tips for Girls(TTFG), the website of “an English journalist who was hoarding a plethora of useful information sure to benefit dolls everywhere.”  (Someone tell me, is there something that different between an English journalist and any other type of journalist that it seemed oh so important to point out?)  So of course, curious to see what it was that I didn’t know but obviously needed to know since as we already know, Daily Candy is all about being in-the-know. I checked TTFG out.  Reluctantly, of course.

And here’s what I found. TTFG is like being in the bathroom at a party with millions of women, all of whom want to give you advice.  Okay. What?.  First off, has this ever happened to you?  No, not the being in a bathroom with a million women.  The advice part.  ‘Cause, anytime I’m in a bathroom and there are other women present we all end up checking each other out, giving each other the once over. And, we — yes, that includes YOU too — walk out thinking, among many other things, 1) how could she wear those boots with that skirt, 2) wow, I hate that woman, she can wear any color lipstick and look great and/or 3)  I wish I could be that skinny.  You so do this and you know it! Stop pretending to be a little-miss-goody-two-shoes and admit it already.  

Okay.  So I decided to browse the TTFG site and see what useful advice I could find.  Here are a few I just absolutely *barf* love.  I must warn you, the advice is profound.  (Sorry, but I couldn’t help myself, my own comments are in italics and in parenthesis – kinda like this.) 

  • How to be Happy –   Pretend to be in a good mood. You may start to believe yourself.  (Okay, and I thought faking it was only for orgasms.)
  • How to be Cool –  Never ever ever start a conversation with, “Hi, I’m an Aries,” because people will think you’re an idiot. (Okay, so start it with “Hi, I want to be cool” will you be my friend. That should do the trick.)
  • How to appear feminine and ladylike even if you’re not –  Always take your handbag to the bathroom with you in a restaurant or bar…  (Right on!  There you go, take your handbag with you so that in case anyone thought otherwise you can remind them that you actually are a woman and do in fact menstruate and need your handbag to carry a pad or tampon to the bathroom in an oh so discreet manner.)
  • How to de-stress – breathe in love and breathe out fear (inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, wax-on, wax-off, wax-on, wax-off….I don’t know but I think screaming into a pillow or playing a intense game of whack-a-mole might be a bit more productive)

Okay, now listen up!  Someone out there is in deperate need of help.  Please if you know “How to replace a lost twist closure from an Hermes style bag, bought overseas” for goodness sake hurry up and get over to TTFG and solve this girl’s problem.

Now that I got that out of my system.  Here’s my advice tip for the day. 

How to be Happy:  Go see a therapist, and when necessary, take drugs – the prescription kind silly.

If for no other reason then to laugh your ass off at the retarded advice given on this site, check it out.  And please come back and tell me what you think.  

Since I can’t help myself,  I’ll leave you with one last bit of advice from my new favorite website:  How to keep up with family and friends. Start a blog. (Duh!) 

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Written by nicolemarie

March 19, 2007 at 10:47 pm

Posted in advice, humor

4 Responses

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  1. As someone who has finally learned to embrace my innate dorkishness, nerdness and un-cool I like to hear of the upcoming generation’s dorkish reactions to the many advices on how to be “cool” and “with it”.
    I love this blog! Thanks for the advice and for the laugh! 🙂

    suburbanlife

    March 19, 2007 at 11:43 pm

  2. I must admit I’ve never heard of Daily Candy but rest assured I will not proceed to that website immediately.

    Dawn

    March 21, 2007 at 10:10 am

  3. I usually walk out of the public bathroom thinking (ghetto talk and all)…girl, it don’t matter how long you look in dat mirror and fix yourself…that shit just ain’t gettin any better.

    I’m jk…ok well maybe I think it but I don’t usually mean it.

    Michele

    March 21, 2007 at 10:32 pm

  4. oops I meant to say I will NOW proceed to that website immediately. Which I did in fact do – and I signed up.

    Dawn

    March 22, 2007 at 11:03 am


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