a woman boss = an awful experience
I know, it’s a pretty harsh statement to make but it got your attention, didn’t it? And, unfortunately, in my case, it’s completely true. So the title should probably read ME + a woman boss = an awful experience. It should, but, I’m not going to change it because I doubt I’m the only woman who thinks this way.
Penelope Trunk over at Brazen Careerist posted about the idea of paying ones dues in the workplace and it got me thinking about my work experiences, and in particular, the experience of working for a female boss. It’s something I’ve wanted to write about for sometime now, I’ve even started one or two postings about it but never quite felt right about publishing them. The emotional aspect of it keeps getting in the way. Even after 5 years have passed, I guess I’m still bitter and angry about this. (And yes, I know, I am a holder-on-of-things. I’ve already established this and freely admitted to it so there is no need to remind me.)
Well, emotion and all….
I think that many successful women have major unresolved issues that they feel the need to take out on those who work for them, especially if that individual is of the same gender. It’s that whole, I paid my dues, so you must now pay yours mentality. But does this really explain why so many women bosses are just so damn bitchy? Out there in the rat race, why can’t women be nurturing and caring? I don’t want another mother, that’s not what I’m saying. But, please someone tell me, where are all the mentors? Why are women bosses so freakin’ mean?
What the hell did I ever do to deserve being treated like shit? They hire you because you graduated at the top of your class from a prestigious university, because they want someone who can think and be independent. They hire you to be a “fresh” perspective, to offer a “youthful” point of view, to bring new ideas to the table. But then they shoot everything down before you even have the opportunity to finish what you were trying to say because, as they like to remind you, what do you know about anything. You’re so young and naive and inexperienced. Blah, blah, blah.
Okay, so I know that what I’m saying here is totally based on my own experiences and is a crazy generalization that I shouldn’t be making, and especially shouldn’t be blogging about. ‘Cause knowing me it will come back to bite me in the ass somehow. Ah. But, why not? It’s not like I’m lying or anything or naming names or going on about how my first female boss felt it necessary to tell me, along with a room full of reporters, that I was a mere child who would never amount to anything unless I stepped back in line and wiped her ass. Okay, so that’s not exactly what she said, but it sure sounded a lot like that to me. But she did call me a child and it was in front of about 15 reporters. And I thought that having to communicate through digital voice recorder with my boss at my first post-college job was bad, at least HE never came out and flat out told me that I wasn’t going to amount to much in my life.
Why is it so hard for a female boss to take a young woman and want to help her. To sit her down in her office and say to her, when I started in this business, it was me and 15 guys and I had to pay my dues, but lucky for you, times are different and you don’t have to go through the same crap that I did. Instead, you get the whole schpeel about how when she was your age she had to start at the bottom and work her way up pushing and proving herself at every turn. She had to work 80 hour weeks and didn’t have time for a boyfriend. (Which somehow is supposed to be the root cause of her still very single status.) That no one was there to help her, to give her a hand or offer her a break. That “they” wanted her to fail at every turn and how she was determined to prove them wrong. How since she had to sacrifice, so do you.
Women, I swear, are SO much worse then men. I can almost forgive a man for his sexist behavior (okay, maybe not even almost forgive it, but at least somewhat understand it and blame society for it) but from a woman, it’s just so damn hard to see why it has to be this way.
And I know, it’s not this way for everyone. Maybe I just had two really bad experiences. Maybe?
So I won’t write off the idea of working for a female completely. At least I don’t think I will. But the next time I’m faced with the decision, it won’t be an easy one. That’s for sure. I guess you can say that I’ve learned my lesson the hard way.
What are your thoughts on this?
Well either way you look at it you’ve had two horrible experiences. But I hope you don’t give up on women bosses just yet. I have never had a woman boss (only been one), so my answer might be a bit skewed. And it’s also only from a military perspective so yet again, might not be completely representational.
Some of my Soldiers said they preferred having a woman leader because they felt like they not only had someone who could lead them by making decisions but also one who they tended to remember people had families and shouldn’t be working 14-hour days every day. This was of course as long as she could actually lead and get her job done.
But that still doesn’t mean that are terrible women leaders out there. Like you said, I think most of us women understand and realize too many women had to “pay their dues” to prove themselves and now they think all women should have to do the same thing to prove themselves. It’s really dumb! Same thing happens in the military…but for everyone. It’s the whole thing about “I had to endure the crap work like digging foxholes, guard duty, etc so all of you will do the same thing.”
Anyhoo, back to my original message: please don’t give up on women bosses!! Or better yet…just become the boss and make sure you be the mentor you never had!
I have had three women bosses during my work career, and only one was difficult and extremely demanding, but I now realize why she had to set very high standards, whereas when I was young I did not “get it”. Mainly, my experience is that women bosses were interested in mentoring, and allowed a great deal of leeway for me to flex my mind, decision-making capabilities, or abilities to bring necessary changes to the work situation.
I believe there needs to exist a degree of humility and willingness to not always be right on the part of younger women when dealing with more senior women in work situation. Respect begets and garners respect back. I have the same regard for younger women who may be in a power position. They may have skills and capabilities distinct from my own, or an expertise that I may not have developed myself, thus it is important for an older woman worker to extend the same courtesy and respect for an younger (in years) boss.
Billie- the whole military thing puts the discussion of “paying your dues” on a completely different level - don’t you think? I mean isn’t the whole idea of parts of the training - like boot camp - intended to break the individual down so they can be built back up as a soldier? As for the issue with female bosses, it will be a few more years before i head back to work so I’m sure I’ll come to terms with my own experiences sooner or later and let them go and not hold it against every female manager that I potentially may work for.
suburbanlife - it’s all about respect, I agree. But unlike your difficult boss who set very high standards, I had bosses who set no standards and didn’t push me to learn or grow. They had no respect for me and eventually I lost all respect for them. It’s not as though they were demanding, just catty and shallow. But again, as I’ve said, I had two really extreme experiences.
Having just left a wonderful job that I truly loved because the new boss was so, as you say, freakin’ mean (and truly insane) I really feel for you. And still feel pretty sorry for myself. This boss was actually 2 years younger than I and I am no kid. I was very excited to learn the new boss would be a female. I was not only disappointed but very surprised she turned out to be so awful. Screaming fits, nasty memos and emails, talking to other employees about the object of her current ire. Or more like her “ire-of-the-moment-subject-to-change-without-notice.” She fired one of the very best members of our team, then lied to the board and said this woman just up and quit and no one knew why. Later she got caught in her lie when she made an unsolicited phone call to the fired woman’s potential new employer and absolutely trashed her. The vile was so bad the new employer knew it could not be true (and many, many others had spoken so highly of the victim). The boss hired another woman as a fundraiser in mid-October, and terminated her at Christmas saying she failed to bring in the money. Failed? She barely had time to get started. The boss made life so miserable for several women that they quit…yet she is very good to the males…almost subservient. She has replaced older, experienced workers with really young people who probably do not make her feel threatened. She is likely to get the organization sued before it is all over. Yet, the board keeps backing her. Oh…here is the kicker…this is a religious organization!!! I could go on and on with stories that would be very hard to believe. One thing I do want to add is that my husband has had a female boss for a few years now, and he says she is the best boss he has ever had. Maybe it is because her team is all men. Most female bullies bully other females. Women bulling male is very rare.